Updated June 12, 2026 at 12:47 PM MDT
According to the National Institutes of Health, 9% of men and 11% of women of reproductive age in the U.S. have experienced fertility problems.
For those navigating infertility, it can take a profound toll on relationships, identity, and overall well-being, often in ways that go unspoken.
Here & Now’s Robin Young talks with Clay Brigance, PhD, LPC, who is helping couples navigate the invisible yet painful side of fertility struggles and pregnancy loss. Brigance is also the host of the “Love and Infertility” podcast.
5 questions with Clay Brigance
Tell us your story.
“I’ve had a lot of people ask ‘What is my story’? Why is this guy specializing in the mental health aspects of infertility?’
“It definitely goes back to our story starting in 2017, when getting pregnant, like for so many couples, didn’t happen the way that we had thought it would. I had always grown up thinking, ‘I want to be a dad, and I want to be a husband. That’s what I want to do with my life if I do nothing else.’ So whenever it didn’t happen the first month and the next month and the next month, and suddenly we were on this rollercoaster of pursuing IUI, IVF, and loss. It was quite the emotional rollercoaster.”
May I ask what the problem was?
“Our issue for our fertility problems was actually male factor infertility. And I remember sitting in the waiting room and waiting for the nurse to come back to tell us about my sperm analysis. Because what so many of your listeners who have gone through infertility have probably experienced is this assumption that it’s the female partner that is carrying the fertility issues, but actually it’s very mixed.
“So my wife went through all this testing and everything and we kept hearing, ‘No, no, you know, there’s nothing wrong there.’ So whenever the nurse came in and said, ‘Oh, actually, Clay, your sperm morphology is really not well.’ I can remember what the K-Cups look like in the corner. I can remember what my wife was wearing. I remember the perfume. I remember all of that. And on our way out, I was just looking at the ground, and my wife said, ‘Are you okay?” And I said, ‘Don’t look at me.’ I said, ‘This has been my fault the whole time.’ And I just felt so much shame, like so many folks, when they figure out that it was their issue that caused this problem.”
How did you handle those emotions?
“So when that happened for us and for so many of the men who I see in therapy and for the men that I’ve done research on, is that we try to rescue our partner out of their difficult emotions while also pushing our own emotions down.
“It’s almost like we’re trying to make up for the pain, we’re trying to make up for what we believe is our fault, when in reality it’s just the product of nature. This leads to this thing we call well-intended chivalry, which is well-intended, but it’s this idea that I need to push my emotions down so that I can support the emotions of my partner. And I’m going to be positive, even toxically so. I’m going to say things like, ‘Oh, well, there’s still hope.’ Or ‘At least we could do this,’ or ‘At least we could do that’. And what I found in my research is that as well-intended as it is, it actually drives couples apart.”
What should people say to a couple struggling with infertility?
“I get this question a lot from my therapy clients, ‘How do I help my support system know what to say or what not to say?’ And that can be so difficult for those of us who are going through the grief to also have to educate those around us. But it’s also not something that we’re really equipped for, you know, because if somebody dies in a car accident, tragically, what are we saying? ‘So sorry for your loss.’
People give what we call well-meaning advice, you know, so they might say things like, you know, ‘Have you tried relaxing during sex?’ It’s because we intellectualize the pain, because the grief is so visceral and it’s so disenfranchised that we intellectualize it, and that’s more comfortable. We got all kinds of advice around the bedroom, and it was fascinating.”
Leave us with a message of hope.
“If you know somebody going through infertility, ask them what they need. There could be practical support; friends of ours showed up with barbecue one day and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got dinner for you for three days.’ That’s practical support. There’s also emotional support, ‘How can I be there for you? How can I show you that I love you? That I’m here for you?’
“Within the couple dynamic, my research shows that the number one predictor of success in couple relationships for couples going through infertility is humility. So, in other words, just asking questions, being curious with each other, not shaping a narrative with each other, and holding emotions with care and with validation. Just saying, You know what, ‘I know you’re sad. I am, too. And I’m here with you.’”
____
Jenna Griffiths produced and edited this interview for broadcast with Micaela Rodriguez. Griffiths adapted it for the web.
This article was originally published on WBUR.org.
Copyright 2026 WBUR